Take me to the aisle with the pre-baby bodies please…

To get right to it, I think I pulled a muscle in my back today. Smh.

I was hanging out with my little one earlier and have no idea what happened. I was getting ready to take her to a different room in my house, and so I bent over to pick her up like normal. Now, I could see she was sitting at an interesting angle, but I picked her up without adjusting her position, because I mean duh, I’m a superhero. Sigh.

Unfortunately, while I had all the will to carry her, as soon as I leaned into the task, I felt the muscles in my back disobey me.

I almost toppled over with her in my arms because it was SOOOO painful!! I have never had back problems, and so I paused in my head for a moment like, nooooo, what the curse word is happening to my body?!?! I then hobbled back to my bedroom and told the husband that I was hurting and asked him to take her.

And then I covered my face and cried. I was so angry, for about 2-3 whole minutes. Not for one second was I angry at my baby, but I was floored by my fragility. I was livid because before I had my daughter I could do whatever I wanted to physically…run miles, lift weights, yoga, you name it, and now I am so weak I can’t even pick her up??

Now, my health is all over the place. My bladder tries to embarrass me on a daily basis and I literally have no control of when it’s time to pee. I had fibroids during my pregnancy, so who knows if it’s related, but my periods are longer and come without warning. I gained over 90lbs and am still carrying around an undesirable amount of it. My hair is a weird, thick texture now, my arms are flappy, I have this sack of skin hanging over my C-section scar, and I just don’t feel like myself. Maybe that was a complaining session. Or maybe I just had to get that out because to everyone else I have to act like I am not hurt.

I love my baby. She is life. I just didn’t know I would have to give up so much of myself or fight so hard to get back to myself, to have her. I don’t want her to see me like this. I want her to look up to me and see this in-shape, healthy, confident woman to admire. I have so much work to do. When she is sleeping.